I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
