wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
