if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
even my farts smell like vagina
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize