I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
