rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
