Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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