I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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