My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
