mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
