it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
