I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
