His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
