He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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