i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
