Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Randomize
