Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
