you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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