i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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