I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
