I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
