IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
