Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
