I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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