woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
