i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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