you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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