sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
