I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize