I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
