Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
