I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
