One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
