Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
