HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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