fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
