I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize