WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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