I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
