Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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