The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
