She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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