The maid of honor just puked.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
