This is not my ceiling
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
