She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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