Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
