my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
