If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
