I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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