I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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