Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
