my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
