True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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