please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
