She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
