I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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