Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Randomize
