and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
