I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
