I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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