I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
