you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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